温暖一生
下岗后，我开了一家糖果店，生意很不好，觉得前途一片灰暗。
一天，一位花白头发的老太太来到店门前，我一眼认出，她是我小学的班主任刘老师。我赶紧低下头去，想不让她发现。我暗暗祈祷：刘老师，您千万不要到我店里来……
那是三十几年前的事了。虽然“文化大革命”已接近尾声，母亲一样的刘老师却被划为“黑五类”，经受着折磨。一个寒天，北风呼叫。我上学早，看见刘老师蹲在教室外拐角处的窗口下，地上有一堆被毛孩子们砸碎的玻璃，刘老师一块一块地往簸箕里捡，她的双手冻得通红。我心里一阵酸，想起小伙伴军军给我的一颗“奶油太妃”糖，我一直没舍得吃――那年月，哪怕是嗅一嗅“奶油太妃”的香味，也是一种奢侈的享受！我掏出“奶油太妃”，走到她身后，说：“刘老师，您吃糖。”老师缓缓地转过身子，她呆滞、冷漠的双眸顿时生出光来。她的嘴唇哆嗦着，想说什么，却什么也没说出来。我转身离去，才听到她哽咽的声音：“谢谢你，孩子。”
整整一天，刘老师总有意无意地向我投来凝思的目光；整整一天，我也感到无比的快乐。
晚上，军军问我：“小余子，我包在 ‘奶油太妃’里的肥皂泥是吃了还是扔了？”天啊，闹了半天，我给刘老师的是一块肥皂泥，一块包在淡淡奶油香里的肥皂泥！――我竟闹了一个恶作剧，在她本就受伤的心里，又插上了一刀！
夜里，我躲在屋子里哭了很久，有说不出的难过。
从此，我开始害怕刘老师凝视的目光了……
几十年过去了，我再没颜面去见老师，那颗假糖，成了我永远的痛。
“买两斤水果糖。”老师还是走了过来。我迅速打量她——她真的老了，脸上出现了老年斑，但她慈祥的笑容，依然那么和善。庆幸，她没有认出我。我想把事情的原委告诉她，这是一个乞求她宽恕的机会！
“刘老师！”我禁不住叫了起来。她惊异地看着我，看着看着，兴奋起来：“你是小余吗？你真是当年的小余子吗？”我含泪点点头。她紧紧抓住我的手不松开。突然，像想起什么似的，她抓一把糖塞给我，说：“来，你吃糖，你吃糖！”
捧着糖，我不知所措。我有什么脸面收老师的糖果呢？见我迟疑的样子，她笑了：“怎么，不好意思吃老师的糖? 你忘了，你请老师吃过糖呢！我记得那是一颗‘奶油太妃’！”
我语塞了，不明白刘老师的意思，是揭我的疮疤，还是为了发泄几十年的怨恨?我脸上热辣辣的，羞愧难当。老师没有觉察到我的情绪变化，接着说：“我一直惦记着你，一辈子也忘不了。那颗糖，让我感觉在非人的日子里，人世间的爱没有泯灭，给了我继续活下去的勇气。只是，老师没福气消受，你走后，糖就被专案组的一帮人搜走了。我至今后悔，为什么舍不得吃掉呢?”我仿佛拨云见日，几十年纠缠在我心中的结，竟根本不是我想像的那样！
我感到从未有过的解脱与轻松。老师问长问短，了解了我的现状，她对我说：“人生没有过不去的坎。”我听着她温馨话语，一股勇气在心头升起：当年，一颗搞错的糖，可以温暖老师的一生；而今，我下岗这点儿挫折，比起老师那时的处境，要好上百倍千倍，我还有什么理由不好好生活下去呢?
Warmth for a Lifetime
Yu Hua
After being laid off, I opened a candy store, but business was very poor. I felt the future was utterly bleak.
One day, an elderly lady with graying hair came to the front of the store. I recognized her immediately; she was my primary school homeroom teacher, Ms. Liu. I quickly lowered my head, hoping she wouldn’t notice me. I prayed silently: Ms. Liu, please don’t come into my store…
That was something that happened over thirty years ago. Although the Cultural Revolution was nearing its end, Ms. Liu, who was like a mother to us, had been labeled as one of the “Five Black Categories” and was suffering persecution. On one chilly day, the north wind howled. I had arrived at school early and saw Ms. Liu squatting under the window at the corner outside the classroom. On the ground was a pile of glass shattered by naughty children. Ms. Liu was picking up the pieces one by one and putting them into a dustpan; her hands were bright red from the cold. My heart ached. I remembered a “Cream Toffee” candy that my little friend Junjun had given me; I hadn’t been able to bring myself to eat it yet — in those years, even just smelling the fragrance of “Cream Toffee” was a luxurious treat! I took out the “Cream Toffee,” walked up behind her, and said, “Ms. Liu, have some candy.” The teacher slowly turned around. Her dull, indifferent eyes suddenly lit up. Her lips trembled as if she wanted to say something, but no words came out. I turned and left, only then hearing her choked voice: “Thank you, child.”
For the entire day, Ms. Liu kept casting thoughtful glances my way, intentionally or not. For the entire day, I also felt incredibly happy.
That evening, Junjun asked me, “Little Yu, did you eat or throw away the soap clay I wrapped inside the ‘Cream Toffee’?” Oh heavens! After all that, what I had given Ms. Liu was a piece of soap clay, a piece of soap clay wrapped in the faint scent of cream! — I had actually played a prank, inserting another knife into her already wounded heart!
That night, I hid in my room and cried for a long time, overwhelmed by an indescribable sadness.
From then on, I began to fear Ms. Liu’s gazing eyes…
Decades passed. I never had the face to go see my teacher again. That fake candy became an eternal pain in my heart.
“I’d like to buy two jin of fruit candies,” the teacher said as she walked over anyway. I quickly looked her over — she had truly aged, with age spots appearing on her face, but her kindly smile was still as gentle as ever. Thankfully, she hadn’t recognized me. I wanted to tell her the whole story; this was a chance to beg for her forgiveness!
“Ms. Liu!” I couldn’t help but call out. She looked at me in surprise, and as she looked, she became excited: “Is that you, Little Yu? Are you really the Little Yu from back then?” I nodded, tears in my eyes. She gripped my hand tightly, not letting go. Suddenly, as if remembering something, she grabbed a handful of candies and stuffed them into my hand, saying, “Here, have some candy, have some candy!”
Holding the candy, I was at a loss. How could I have the face to accept my teacher’s candy? Seeing me hesitate, she smiled and said, “What, too shy to eat your teacher’s candy? Have you forgotten, you treated your teacher to candy once! I remember it was a ‘Cream Toffee’!”
I was speechless. I didn’t understand Ms. Liu’s meaning — was she reopening my old wound, or venting decades of resentment? My face burned with shame and embarrassment. The teacher didn’t notice my emotional change and continued, “I’ve always remembered you, I could never forget you in my lifetime. That piece of candy made me feel that, even during those inhuman days, love in the world had not vanished. It gave me the courage to keep living. It’s just that I wasn’t fortunate enough to enjoy it; after you left, the candy was confiscated by the special case group. To this day, I regret it — why couldn’t I bear to eat it?” It was as if the clouds had parted and the sun shone through. The knot that had been tangled in my heart for decades was not at all what I had imagined!
I felt a sense of release and lightness like never before. Ms. Liu asked all about my current situation. She said to me, “There’s no hurdle in life that can’t be overcome.” Listening to her warm words, a surge of courage rose within me: Back then, a mistakenly given candy could bring warmth to my teacher for a lifetime. Now, this minor setback of being laid off is hundreds, thousands of times better than the situation my teacher was in back then. What reason do I have not to live my life well?
